The Biggest Regret of My Life: Losing a Friend

I lose someone important and it took me two years to realize that. He was the quite type – the wallflower, quiet type – and he said it so himself. We went to the same high school together and only ended up in the same section twice. We didn’t really personally talk much in school but we did chat a lot via internet, talking about the most random things and to be honest, I liked the company.

But it all just suddenly stopped.

I learned a few things about him. First, he’s a wallflower. Second, he has trust issues. And third, he likes to give you random questions about everything.

He doesn’t really talk much to people in school, he sleeps sometimes during lectures, especially in our elective class, which he still scores high in every test. A few people found him hard to approach, especially when we reached our senior year. And I don’t know how and why, but as it neared to our graduation, we just started talking again and also going home together, with a few of our classmates too.

His random questions fired again, and I felt really comfortable answering them – each one of them. It’s like he reads everything I say. He gets me. We connected. And I was satisfied – pleasured – by the explanations he was giving me because everything was on point. Every word, every syllable. And he wasn’t only trying to make me open up to him, he’s breaking the wall between us. That invisible wall that he built for everybody. Maybe he also found himself comfortable talking to me. And I should consider myself lucky because of that – because he was trusting me, slowly.

And unfortunately, I ruined that trust.

And right now, after reading back our old conversation, I finally realize that I really messed it up. That connection. His trust. Everything between us, I messed it up. It was all my fault. What we had was special – not like love – but something rare and I’m fucking annoyed at myself for ruining that – for breaking that special bond. I hate myself for ignoring something so wonderful, so beautiful. Someone like him was a treasure that I should’ve kept, or placed somewhere special in my life. We rarely find people like him, and I was stupid for letting him go.

If ever you come upon to read this, I just want to say sorry for ruining everything between us. I’m sorry for making you go back to the guy you where before. We act like strangers now, and I guess that’s my fault.

You were right, you do know how everything will end up. I didn’t get to bake you the cupcakes you wanted. I forgot my promise to you. And you probably don’t want to talk to me ever again. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.

If I could turn back the time, I wouldn’t think for a second and immediately choose the time we were back then. I should’ve treasured your trust. I should’ve treasured our friendship. And I want to have that friend who used to help me back then, who listened to all my troubles.

But time machines don’t exist, and I know we won’t ever go back to the way we were before. I just hope you forgive me. I don’t expect you talk to me again.

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